I hope the issue will be solved. But leaving me indisturbed will be an epic achievement. 17/09/20

With this new post I would love to cover the relevant causes which, altogether, forced me to back down on my sofa, still and motionless, for a plenty of potential productive days.

At the first top vertex of the chord I am pretty sure I have felt an endless storm of self-induced and third-party-induced deterioration at the address of any ability, belonging, experience, future plan, life history, freedom status and reputation. It looked like as if, in a parallel environment, hence an environment I could not touch in its entirety, I was at the center of attention of many individuals, living on the Earth surface, and at the center of many broadcasting venues or spaces, as well as press release stuff whatsoever. In few words, for three days, I felt my self dragged into an abyss of an ultimately self-annihilation, where basically I could not move a finger up or down because I could not find a proper reason for doing so. The mixture of the causes’ regime came back after three days time for setting up a fair and honest explanation of the issue, seems to be dwelling inside a multiple composition of dimensions, however, among them, I must amend that the third-party intervention, even if it could be perceived as benign, after all, has played a heavy and significant role in the determination of the high and profound trauma which went across my soul and my body during this three-period of mental decay. It has been hard to resist to the temptation to protest against flat walls and flat animated screens. I perfectly knew it would have always been not such a smart and fruitful enterprise; still I wanted to find a way to go over the harassment felt by the ‘benign’ action of external factors but also for the aim of looking for a sort of re-built motivation in order to erase the worries and the mistakes’ weigh derived from the most recent actions, even though I guess I am talking about something really silly and subtle to amend as a proper mistake.

During the last ten days, I suppose I can dispose of the faculty to say that I have never done something bad and erroneous. My behavior has been always correct with everyone in every single or rare occasion or event of any type. Therefore I was extremely wondering why I would have to spend three days in total dismay and a seemingly putrefaction status. Perhaps, nobody was actually moving against my overall interest spectrum, which also consist of the interest of the collectively I directly or indirectly represent, as a valuable participant of the clusters, of course. Perhaps, something or someone moved against my interest spectrum and I could do nothing but stand in sorrow and protesting against a flat screen. I could not move or go elsewhere where to document what was going on, maybe I could have instantly and easily overcome the problem of putrefaction.

I have been writing this blog since 2018 and I have always trying to ask, in a kind way, to remove every single data of mine from the public streaming and the public debate in general; this unless the data or the chronological bit does not generate or is not integrated in a spontaneous and natural manner, such as the probability that an important message is spread into the environment, due to rational means of transmission, for relevant reasons of spreading its meaning and content. I perfectly know that in this period of time there will never be possibility for me to win this war of the media and the public announcement. The role of the checkers in nowadays local, national and international society is easy to prevent and to spot in case it happens incidentally or for greedy and unreliable purposes.

The checkers and the controllers, indeed, can be defined, in a limited but very well articulated spectrum of convenience, as my direct and most dangerous enemies. Without them, I would live a wonderful life and the problems would be less related to inflated or wrongly amplified greedy affairs or unwanted accidents due to self-awareness of the tort taken. Herein, at the basis of the damage recorded and felt, the activity of the checker, in 2018, 2019 and 2020, is of extremely importance because it anticipates the profession of the infamous. Who is an infamous? An infamous is a greedy person who does not care about the weigh and the sensitivity of the information he or she has illegally collected during their or other’s checking job. The marriage between the checker and the infamous, or the couple, can be defined as a primordial stage of extremely dangerous type of enemy incarnated in our modern societal context. As the technological means for acting honestly have been developed, the checking tech-means have developed in tandem and so the dangerous aspect of this activity is peculiar to the relativity of the change of error of the bearer of some natural or technological asset. What does this mean? For example, the risk of attracting a checker is evident when I commit mistakes on any sort by posting, on a populated social network, a certain kind of seemingly contradicting post. This post might generate some state of discord among any of the participant to the view post offer. In other words, more than being publicly criticized, I can be subject to the married profession of check + infamy. Plus, before this process could ever be activated there must be a shared and valid reason for checking. This is my greatest fear and to be honest I still do not know why I was born here. The authorities that are officially charged to propel the check permission must do that with rigid criteria without offending the main interest of their state’s Constitution. The very deep problem in nowadays international societal context, will be that I will certainly resolve the issue with an autonomy of three days, however, after this period of joyful rendering, the re-calibration of the concepts will come to an end again, and the need to re-fill the international environment with the same pills of wisdom, will resume fresh and ‘acid’.

My aim with this post is stop thinking about what has been lost along the way, stop thinking about any damage taken and suffered, and start thinking about why the optimistic feeling is important to endure with the utility power of losing and suffering while, on the contrarian side, every other thing, consciousness excluded, is conspiring towards the consolidation and the growth of my greater good and of the clusters’ greater good. At least, this it what it looked like in a holistic sense. The losses and the pain loops, but also the heart status, have determined, cumulatively, the sentimental and the motivational failure of the last 2 months. The ratio between the thought volume and the application in reality has been severely obstructed by the wrong assumed casualties but especially by the egoistic or greedy intervention of third party assailants, which could even be envious-based assumptions. In few, I could not say that, with my licit and private means for reaching defined plans in a given society, the effort I made and the maturity I developed, I could not always fly above a war between my misunderstood just and peaceful intent to thrive in a context and, basically, the third-party’s will to interfere and molest the obvious remark. I agree with the natural pre-condition that nothing in seconds and minutes will ever be remunerated or re-payed, neither in its entirety nor bit by bit. I take psycho-drugs which unfortunately penalize my enterprising steps and missions according to the fixed daily requirements. I will never find a proper equilibrium unless I really remove such an imprisoning weigh from my nervous system and all the other functional apparatus. I suppose that there will never be a proper way to cozen this prison state in. Nor I guess that I have to bend to the command of those people that are administering my life for the good of such a limited identity of individuals and socio-economic interests. I strongly hope that this nightmare will come to an end, after basically paying an everlasting price, in terms of life’s achievements, to my medicine. I even imagine that, after raising this issue up, some very harsh conflict may emerge. In reality, I wish I could really honor this therapeutic status. However, in this case, there would be other opponents who would strongly and fanatically argue against my thesis. I only have a page of unseen diary and the infinite strength of my enemies that simply do not want to leave me undisturbed and with collegiate rights, plus the needed security assurance, which is something clear to determine at this advanced point of time.

As per a last thing I would like to say that I do not feel nor consider me tied to any kind of television program or glorious company’s social or business environment. I work on my own, in my private room and in my family’s firm, plus I watch television and freely think about what kind of scenario I would imagine they would be putting me in, in case I would ever had to engage a professional relationship with such a not well defined or even radically opposite corp. I am fierce of the great range of career and activity aims and centers that I could easily carry on during my day and evening time. Honestly, there is actually no hurry in moving across the entire tasks’ series, nor I should think about re-establishing a sentimental bound with, possibly, a sincere and corresponding entity. I have gained a new solid conception, which perhaps has been always awarded and recognized by the majority of individuals surrounding me in whatever direction I ever walk through. In other words, it seems that I am alright both mentally and physically and that nothing should scare me anymore. Correctly designed, the path of my life has been converted, revised and stamped. It could seem a little bit strange, but I only have to move my ass and follow the overall directions’ diagram. It seems easy, however there is one important single variable that I always have to consider and it looks like that, by defining this variable, the whole soup dries up and the mess is plain and easy to interpret: SLOTH VS ACTIVITY +++.

Antonio Bonatesta

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